SUPER TEXT LIST! (Texts From Last Night Inspired)

• [text] I just fell down my stairs, guess that’s how my sunday is gonna go
• [text] I know it’s 3am, but come over and cook for me. 
• [text] Too lazy to booty call, so have this text instead
• [text] No. You’re getting a Viking funeral and I’m pawning your shit.
• [text] send me a picture and i’ll be home quicker ;)
• [text] DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU
• [text] it’s pizza time hurry your sexcapades
• [text] My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
• [text] Do you have a spare mankini I can borrow?
• [text] Is fancy dress allowed at the wedding?
• [text] I was using my old baby blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
• [text] We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
• [text] Like alphabetically, I’d say a t?
• [text] I’m sorry if throwing up in the back of your dad’s car ruined our friendship :(
• [text] there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night singing karaoke and drink out of juice cartons. don’t judge me.
• [text] Do you know where I am?
• [text] On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
• [text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would get a piggy back ride home. I’ve never been so broken.
• [text] Is “head down ass up” an appropriate way to say good morning?
• [text] That is definitely not healthy, in fact I’m not sure it’s legal to send that sort of picture?
• [text] There isn’t enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so I’ll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.
• [text] Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension
• [text] if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
• [text] No no don’t leave me, who’s going to walk me home
• [text] I’m hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
• [text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates
• [text] The fridge is fully stocked. I’m either hallucinating or this is a miracle
• [text] I need you to help me clean the house because I have visitors in less than an hour???
• [text] Your brother is at the front door- WHAT DO I SAY?!
• [text] It’s all fun and games till someone says you’re so pretty they could punch you and they, you know, punch you
• [text] Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
• [text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.
• [text] I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
• [text] Don’t talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!
• [text] I promise I’ll get everyone to jelly wrestle with us xox
• [text] I am armed with a crown, a sash and a bouquet of flowers. Don’t test me.
• [text] My mouth tastes like poor choices
  
• [text] Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
• [text] If I say it was accidental you’ll just say I’m lying
• [text] There is an alarming amount of glitter in my… everywhere
• [text] You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me, thank you
• [text] Have you ever had a good idea in your life?
• [text] Are we going to end up in the hospital again?
• [text] You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.
• [text] I am a responsible adult. I tied up my hair before I puked
• [text] I accidentally talked myself into a threesome, when did I become so smooth?
  
• [text] If you’re not coming over with food, don’t come over at all
• [text] Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My co-worker is talking to me about her birds having sex again…
• [text] IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
• [text] If you don’t fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we’re alone in your room, I’m returning you to the boyfriend store
• [text] I accidentally sexted your mum, I’m sorry xox
• [text] There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
• [text] You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really don’t know what you took, but you need a babysitter.
  
• [text]  I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a “let’s fuck” way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of “let me wash your hair” way.

(via iwasborncarefula-blog)